WOUNDED SOLDIER

I was reading a journal of an anonymous writer, a soldier and a devout Christian. This is such a portrayal of many Christian lives at some point or another. I wonder how many fellow believers wander among us who feel the same way this Christian brother or sister felt at this point in their life.

"...If I request help or prayer I am viewed as weak, or as a complainer. It is alluded to that my trust lacks greatly and so my strength as a Christian must be waning. Why is this? I am lonely. Loneliness is something to which I have become accustomed. Loneliness has caused me to put up barriers, as if I was protecting myself in a real battle, being careful not to let many people too close for fear of being hurt, condemned, or wrongly accused and judged. I find so many people want to be helped, but few are willing to be helpful. Sure, there are plenty who will give money or material possessions when necessary, but when it comes to sharing the burdens of others or they are requested to offer spiritual assistance, not many willingly engage. It might be easier to endure these afflictions if I knew there was a greater purpose or motive God had in creating me than to be placed here on earth in the middle of a battle that seems not to be mine to fight, that began long ago between God and Satan. Had I been asked, there is no way I would have accepted the position of military status. I'm a deeply wounded soldier, who continues to reach out to others, meet their needs, and look for ways to encourage and serve, but I am quickly getting worse as the wounds have been broken open and are oozing the life out of me. Infection is quickly settling in, with the possibility of permanent damage. I am fighting for my life. I lay here fighting this spiritual battle. Others can attempt to stitch up my wounds, but unless they are cleaned appropriately they will not heal, and the infection will be stitched in, with no place to go, but to invade my whole being, sucking the life from me. I am at the mercy of the Great Healer, but I am also at the mercy of my fellow comrades. I lay here in spiritual isolation, wanting to scream out for the pain hurts so badly, but the lack of knowledge in how to help me by others keeps me quiet. Only my eyes can communicate what is in my heart, but no one wants to look into them. They are afraid of what they might see, what they might have to face, afraid of their own pain. So they smile and try to sound encouraging only to utter insincerities. Once again, I am left alone, with another sting to my already burning and painful sores. How much longer can I endure before falling into a coma, a place in which I will be isolated from the world; a place in which I can isolate myself from the pain and all that has contribued to the pain? Suicide is not an option for I do not have enough strength to carry out my own death. Falling into a coma may be out of my control, for it will be the sickness that causes my physical inability to stay awake. I cannot cry for the tears sting too much as each drop is connected or linked to a specific hurt. I am crying out in my head and heart for another fellow soldier to come along and hold my hand, or to brush the tear away that might accidentally escape my control, or to help me remember what a genuine smile feels like once again; someone to carry me to the ocean so the salt of the ocean's waters can help heal my wounds as the waves wash over me, or the sand and breezes bring comfort; someone to carry me to a mountian top where I can once again catch a glimpse of how spectacular life can be apart from my isolated state. I can't get myself to these places. My body is so bandaged, so confined to my bed from the wounds inflicted from battles in which I have fought, from enemies, and from fellow comrade's criticisms rather than encouragement; acts or words of jealousy; neglect; thoughtlessness; or leaving me alone to fight the battle without assistance; being too busy fighting their own battle, blinding them from seeing a wounded soldier lying next to them; selfishness in that concern lies only for their own well-being and safety; mis-understanding that has lead to false judgment; lack of sharing and communication, perhaps stemming from their own wounds. I can forgive those who have wounded me, but that forgiveness does not in and of itself heal my wounds or remove my bandages. My forgiveness just means I don't hold their actions against them and still choose to love them whenever there is an encounter. However, this continuous effort in the midst of pain and spiritual woundedness brings exhaustion and the lack of time and energy required for me to recover. Peace, quiet, nourishment will only be found if I retreat into a coma like state; a place I shall soon voyage if someone does not come along soon. I have exhausted all my resources. I lay here waiting for spiritual sleep to envelop me."

How does a believer get to such a point? Some would say it is God's will for them to be in such a place; some would say this believer lacks trust and faith; some might say they are living with consequences as a result of their choices in life. What could be said to Jesus, or even the apostle Paul when they suffered greatly in every aspect of life? Did they bring upon themselves the sufferings they endured? Possibly in the literal sense. Jesus came to earth, made the choice to save His people and suffered for it. Paul made the choice to follow Christ and suffered for it. As Christians, would we have the nerve to look at Jesus and say, "well...sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time, I'll pray for you"...and leave it there, forgetting the next minute what we had just promised? Would we in some sense say a few encouraging words to Paul, only to turn away and forget he existed for the next month or two? If Jesus and Paul were living in today's world, how would we encourage them? How would we help them? How might we offer spiritual assitance? Are we willing to learn how to assist fellow believers and then execute our learning into action? Are we willing to sacrifice our lives in such a way that another believer can receive what is needed to continue in the battle, fighting by our side?